!WARNING!

*DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MONITORS*

The blog you have been reading for the last few months (or not been reading due to its owner’s lack of witty/creative ideas for entries…) has been hijacked. If you don’t mind the prose of a left-brained engineer, then keep reading…


…DISCLAIMER…

I just learned to read last week so please bear with me. This writing thing may take some time. I prefer to work with numbers and CAD drawings. For the Jane Eyre/Brontë Sisters crowd, the term “CAD (Computer Aided Design)Drawings” is a fancy way of describing pictures made on a computer. I wanted to use bullet points; but this would have thrown off the liberal arts majors and caused panic. (I pictured in my mind’s eye the simplistic and straightforward structure making their heads explode. “You can’t use symbols to get a point across! You need to spend countless pages trying to explain the intricacies of the color green! How else is someone supposed to know the setting is in Ireland?)

So, without further ado…
What is with the kiosks in the malls? Whatever happened to the benches where men could sit and consume an Auntie Ann’s pretzel and cherry Slurpee while their wives/girlfriends take forever to find and try on items they will never buy? Does anyone else get fully annoyed with the constant pandering/pestering by the associates working these lean-to impersonating shopping stores? Nevermind the shi**y products they push? The phones, lotions, Crocs, hair extensions, hyperbaric chambers made from recycled 55 gallon oil drums, chalk drawings of Eminem, Kurt Cobain, etc... Excellent. Just what I needed; a picture of Tupac and Biggie hugging to put in my living room.

Has anyone else had a run-in with these XTC pill-popping sales associates that work these places?? (Yes, they are run-ins. I don’t intentionally seek out the person(s) trying to sell me something I will never use.) They are like Hyenas after seeing a giraffe go down with a broken leg.


Sales Associate: (More chipper than Danny Kaye dancing in Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas”)

“Sir, can I have a moment of your time?”


Me: (Rolling eyes)

“I guess.”


Sales Associate: (Foaming at the mouth like Old Yeller)

“Would you like to have the most soft, supple hands on the planet while simultaneously reducing your cuticles?”


Me: (Blank Stare)


Sales Associate: (Taking my hand and trying to rub lotion over it with a perma-grin à la Jack Nicholson’s “The Joker”)

“With our patented formula of ground up cow intestines, aloe and spider monkey dung, your skin can be as soft as cashmere! Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?”


Me: (Responding like Brad Garrett with an annoyed look on face)

“Sure”


Sales Associate: (Almost to Jenna Jameson time)

“With this lotion you not only will have the softest skin around, but you’ll be helping employ third world children while increasing your self-confidence!”


Me: (Wishing I were being bull-whipped and then forced to wear a cilice - I would like to thank my Catholic School Education for that word)

“I’ll bet. Thanks.”



Sure, I would just love to have no cuticles. It’s right up there with wearing guy-liner. Queue Gob Bluth. "C’mon!" Seriously, I am a dude. Only George Costanza would ever aspire to be a hand model. I want to get in and out of the mall as fast as possible. The place makes me feel like General Zod stuck in the glass prison flying through space. All I think of when asked “Do you like how this looks on me? is “Where is the nearest BEST BUY?” At least there I can talk techie-nerd things with the zit faced, world of warcraft playing employees that until they can build one will never ever see a woman naked.

It just dawned on me… I know what happened to all the benches from the malls. They are now at wal mart. You know... Those beautiful metal things parallel to the shopping aisle end-caps that leave the criss-cross pattern on the back sides of the grossly obese patrons? I thought you would.

WHY IN THE @#$% ARE THERE BENCHES IN wal marts?

WTF! It is a wal mart, not a park!

Is buying groceries and other stuff priced only $0.05 cheaper than Target or Meijer that tiring? Oh wait, I forgot “Rascal” batteries lose their charge. (See video)



I guess it is too much to ask people to walk down the aisle to get their bags of Oreos and Twinkies. Have you picked up yet on my lack of respect for wal mart? They do not deserve to be capitalized. I’ll save that for another discussion if the “powers that be” (“cough” Becky) don’t censor me.

Till next time…
Peace!
B-Weve