You know, hurt feelings totally suck.
In February I wrote about the dreaded middle school years and the awkwardness that goes with them--it's both enlightening and disheartening how frequently the old crappy feelings still happen, and how even at 34 I'm no better at handling it than I was back then.
I still remember giving a lecture to my class of 8th grade girls (they are sophomores in college now)---it centered around the fact that women, for whatever reason, can't just be nice. We're catty, we're gossipy, we're (mostly) jealous, we ignore, and we are, quite simply, mean. This class had 11 girls--all different and amazing, but for the life of them they could not get along. Finally, I threw the 4 boys out in the hall and had a fairly frank discussion about this issue. Here's how it went: (As I remember it anyway.)
Girls are always mean. I'm 28 (or I was then)and there are still times people talk about me behind my back. They say mean things, things intended to hurt my feelings, and because I'm not always above it, I do too. It's awful, it's horrible, but know this: It doesn't change, so get used to it right now. Stop the crying and carrying on and on and on---start changing how you address the situation. Talk to the person who hurt you, tell them explicitly how it felt. Most bullies aren't used to people standing up to them--once you do it will be easier the next time, and, just so we're clear, there will always be a next time.
Clearly it's not verbatim (please, the speech lasted like 20 minutes), but you get the gist of it. Here's the thing--I hadn't thought about that situation until recently. Lately, I have been so guilty of gossiping and being mean. I try not to, but I'm prone to being a blabbermouth, so I'm sure I've had some speed bumps along the way.
Perhaps we need to have our own feelings hurt more often. It's not enjoyable, but the reminder is there---once we experience it (or suffer through it)we are far more likely to monitor our own behaviors.
It's time to begin thinking before speaking, and to wonder if what you've got to say builds someone up, or tears them down. I've been slugging through this process for the last week--often finding my version of humor, while funny to many, may be biting and caustic to someone else.
Beck
Two things:
1. Anyone out there interested in running? You've got plenty of time to train. Let's GO!
2. If you are currently following the blog do you get an e-mail each time I post a new entry?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.JPG)
I do not get an Email everytime you post something new - I either catch it on facebook, or check it at night while I'm surfing the web.
ReplyDeleteI agree that girls are mean. I also agree it doesn't stop. I have also found the very best way to get under someone's skin is to be happy. When I'm not happy - I fake it. Is it wrong that I do this just to get under someone's skin? That I do it because I know it'll drive them nuts .. maybe it makes me just as bad as the people who are mean ... food for thought!
I am the same way, people that hurt me the most are the ones, I slap on that happy face for. They are the ones who are truly miserable.
ReplyDeleteBecky,
ReplyDeleteI do not have that many close female friends, because of this. And... This is the number one reason I hate working with and for, women!
Seriously, put me in a room of men and I am in my element. (er, keeping it clean here...) Now, if the woman can do her work, and isn't a b*tch (and we all know what I mean by that) we get along great and work. It is when they could care less, start getting all kat like, and try to make the other women in the office look bad to look good. Urgh...
We just talked about this with a group of friends the other day!
Hi Becky,
ReplyDeleteYou can add me to your list of runners. I am not training for a race, at least not this year. I did the River Bank Run 25k two years ago, but I still run 3 days a week usually. Having some knee issues the last several days, so I'm going to take it easy this weekend.
I also don't receive an email. I just try to check your blog when I have a chance. I enjoy reading it!
Take care,
Joni
I don't get an email either and just so we are on the same wave length here, I hate the bitches who are getting an email!!! Joking of course....settle down ladies. I'm with Jole. Not a fan of large groups of women. I always prefer to hang with my husband and his friends. Less drama and no fake B.S. I am fortunate to know a handful or two of genuine women, {a few are followers of the blog:)}but the rest of them I can do without. It's a trust issue. I have been burned too many times. It is sad, I agree. And I am not without fault. I'm guilty of dogging out someone when they leave the room if they are under my skin....we all do it. I think we just get better at knowing who's genuine and who not to invest in as we get older and wiser. Maybe we even learn to love each other for who we are....Let's blog about this in 30 years just to do a "check in" on that ;) I hope to have the outlook of Maya Angelou....we'll see hey ladies....
ReplyDeleteyour rock. i so wish i had you as a teacher. actually, no...because then you would have been my teacher and not my friend, but still...i wish i had a teacher JUST LIKE YOU.
ReplyDeleteand no, i don't get an email update.
Clearly in need of some "male" perspective...by-the-by, love that I am one of two dudes I've observed following you (Common Beck, pander to the masses!).
ReplyDeleteOne: I effing hate gender stereotyping.
Two: Gender stereotyping is based on percentage-favoring truths...so forget "One".
Three: I can't wait for the onslaught, but I will say this boldly: Even the most confident woman is insecure. Forget that...include men in that scope as well. Seriously, who doesn't suffer from insecurity? Maybe John Wall...until the end of March (love karma). Unlike middle school (which seems to be particularly troubling for some...), being "mean" isn't a sign of flirtation in the adult world. Responses to “mean” are inversely handled by the two sexes. The "average" man tends to withhold insecurities, thus avoiding "cattiness". No quarrels result, but internal emotional shallowness may be a side effect. Inversely, the "average" woman tends to be outspoken about insecurities by "jabbing" at opposition. Please…merely a gross simplification. That being said (with no reference to Curb Your Enthusiasm), be the bigger person in regards to "jabs". Interpret the "back-stabbing" and gossip from opposition as "compliments", because she (I suppose he doesn't hold weight in this forum, eh?) is most likely envious of some strength you maintain. Peace up, A-Town down...
Four: I'm not gay.
I was just talking to a co-worker about this today. If we could see ourselves as others see us, I think our self esteem might take a hefty boost. The people I admire most often don't even get how special they are. Bottom line: we are all insecure to some degree, I guess. Perhaps we ought to share with others those great thoughts we have about them more often. For example, to my old friend Becky - I admire what a good mom you are to your boys. It's so clear by reading your blog and cyberstalking you on Facebook that you are IN it with those kids. From someone who I distinctly remember telling me in 9th grade (while standing by her locker with BMW symbols taped to the door) that she "would never have kids because it would hurt too much" - you have come a long way, baby! :) P.S. how does one get an email sent to them when you post? Is that possible?
ReplyDelete